Shark alarm on Mallorca

After showing us the horrors of being a cosmetic surgeon, the ever so productive director of that monstrosity is going to confront the viewers of Austrian National TV, the ORF, with the most horrible fears of all: sharks on (or rather, near) Mallorca. Now, I’m not a geographer, nor do I know anything about sharks, except that they don’t like the colour yellow and tend to eat people, but a shark on Mallorca? What the hell is it supposed to do there? Hang out at the ‘Balneareo’, have a bucket of Sangria and partake in a juicy wet T-shirt contest? Quite obviously, that’s not gonna happen, because I think I’ve also heard that sharks have self-respect. So, no wet T-shirts.

But seriously, I think I know why they made this movie, and I actually can’t wait to see if I’m right. Here it is: When you’re shooting a film on Mallorca, you can always throw in large amounts of gratuitous nudity. An exposed breast here, a flashing butt there…and it’s all going to blend in nicely with the ferocious attacks of 20m plastic sharks, because, well, it’s on Mallorca. Imagine shooting a movie called ‘Shark alarm in Great Britain’. You could of course show men in bowler-hats being dragged into the, uhh…London Sea, but frankly, I can’t see how that would work.

Find out if feeding scantily clad women to sharks does work, tonight at 8:15 pm, on your ever so educational station ORF1.